I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
