So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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