if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Randomize
