hotel room ftw
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
