I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
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