i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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