omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
you had me at cake vodka
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
