we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
