i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
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