It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
