so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
