Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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