I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
