Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
