Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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