My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
