OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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