I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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