Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
i think i just lost a toe
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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