I'm going to jail i love you
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
