Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
