I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
So apparently I’m into choking now
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
