i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
