Got a toothbrush?
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
