Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
