I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
