I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Randomize
