To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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