Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Randomize
