The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
