plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
