You're my little dorito
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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