Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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