Cold hands, warm shart.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
