Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
