jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
