he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
