69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
