Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
