the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
