Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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