Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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