True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
