All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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