College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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