Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
