So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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