it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
