nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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