things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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