I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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