I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Houston, we have a blender
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Randomize
